Lmbrjck, Cwby, Vmpr, Wrwlf, and Alien: A Very, VERY Physical Comedy
by princefirepickle
Summary: this is not serious. do not read this if you are small and young.


**This work was begrudgingly inspired by "When Wizards Rule," by Lori Leigh. Do (NOT) read it.**

Dedicated to Miranda, Destiny, Alex, and Amanda.

**Disclaimer: **Though [most of?] you will be reading this out of a sense of curiosity, it is important to note that this is absolutely not how sex or any form of sexual contact should play out, nor should you for any reason attempt to re-create any of these scenarios at home. Also, these situations do not bear any resemblance to my own experiences, or to those of any other person whether living, deceased, or fictitious.

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Proceed at your own risk.

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Chapter 1: Fire Pickle

A small woosh of refreshing breeze gently brushed thorough Lumberjack's beard. The sun burned as hot as balls, so he was grateful for what little relief he could get. Little did he know, this would be the hottest day of his life.

All he knew was that he was in a vast forest, and something caught his eye. The woods breathed with him; the trees swayed as slowly as her lungs did, swimming in the cramped, damp cavity behind his abnormally large pectoral muscles. He crept towards the ivory figure in the distance. It was a bed. Huge, and strangely clean, with a sea of pillows arranged precisely above the neat white sheets.

He looked around. The woods were quiet.

"Who the fuck can afford to set up a perfectly good king-size bed in the middle of the woods for no goddamn reason? Those shithead yuppies, trying to be all ~cool~ and ~earthy~ by spending thousands of dollars to set up beds fit for Oprah's mansion so they can be _comfortable_ when they fuck in the woods just to be able to say they've done it." Lumberjack mumbled to himself.

Collapsing onto the bed, gazing at the sky, he felt a hot tear roll down his cheek. Though he knew that capitalism was a flawed and oppressive system, he couldn't help but want to work through it. If he could start at the bottom and make it to the top, he could have enough money to stop everyone.

Someone in space noted this.

Lumberjack jerked upright. He was face to face with a tall man, leaning down so that he could feel the man's breath on his eyeballs. His thoughts jerked involuntarily to the man breathing on... other balls.

He was only wearing a brimmed leather hat and worn jeans that revealed the curves of his ass; two chiseled, sexy mountains. Lumberjack felt a pang of attraction in both his chest and dick.

"My name's Cowboy. I was just passin' through and for one reason'r another, I got the idea you might be into a fuck or two." He paused, and glanced at the bed that Lumberjack was sitting attentively on. "Maybe you'd be inter-ested in starting as a bottom? You could top afterwords, if you're not too exhausted to ride my pony express."

Lumberjack barely even heard these words. He was too busy taking in what he swore could have been an ancient god, returned to earth intent on taking pleasure from his tortured penis, which was already raging like a forest fire in his pants.

Yet he said "Oh my god, please fill me with your trouser tree RIGHT NOW."

Cowboy chuckled and quickly removed his hat with one hand and pushed Lumberjack onto his back with the other. He bent down immediately to rip open the man's soft plaid shirt and began to lick furiously at one of his diamond-hard nipples.

Cowboy's arms wrapped around Lumberjack's small frame, pulling him closer. Lumberjack felt so small in the hands of this large, gentle man.

Lumberjack let out a manly squeal as Cowboy moved one hand to the front of his jeans, unzipping them audibly as he slid up to face the bearded man. He moved closer, so their noses would touch if one of them sneezed. Instead of sneezing, however, he kissed the other man furiously. Their teeth clacked together as each tongue acted as a battering ram, thrusting violently into the other's moist face cavern.

The men pulled apart quickly and ripped their own clothes off, then beheld each other's naked glory. More specifically, they looked at each other's flesh pickles. Both burned so intensely that they would be on fire if that wasn't an unsexy thing. They leaped on their knees closer to each other, so these pickles collided, releasing a spark that could have started a fire if there were flammable substances around.

Lumberjack tilted his head down. His lips latched onto the dark, fragile skin of Cowboy's thick neck. He chewed and sucked on it gently, as he had practiced on his arm sometimes.

"Are you ready to taste my 100% beef jerky?" asked Cowboy.

"Please" whimpered Lumberjack, his beard hairs shivering in antici... pation.

Cowboy laid down on his back, knees tilted slightly outward. Lumberjack knelt in the space between them. Eagerly, he leaned down, touching the tip of the man's foot-long dick to his tongue as he gazed up at Cowboy's tan face. It was hard to read and just looked weird.

He looked down. Back to the task at hand. He adjusted his position slightly, so he was laying between Cowboy's open legs. He opened his mouth as wide as he could, like a snake preparing to eat a fat, hairless, engorged worm. His mouth wrapped around the cock-a-doodle-do and he bobbed his head slowly, tightening and loosening his suction with an even rhythm.

With every animal-like sound that emerged from the cowboy's mouth Lumberjack's own hot sausage clenched and burned with want. He wanted- no, he NEEDED his delicate hind-hole to be pounded by the gigantic member he was nursing. Faster now, faster and faster he moved his head, mouth, and tongue, coaxing sexual symphonies of moans. Each was a near-painful throb in his own meat wand. He couldn't wait any longer.

Breaking slowly, a thick string of saliva connecting his swollen lips and the likewise swollen dick, he looked up at Cowboy's contorted face.

"P...pleas...e... will you take my ass now?"

"You don't even havter ask, sweetheart" responded Cowboy.

He sat up, wincing slightly at the weight of his thick erection. Lumberjack was already on his back in front of him, legs spread. So much pre-cum was already coating his somewhat smaller, 10 inch dick. _Haha_, Cowboy thought, _I am bigger!_ Anyway, he was hot and ready- ready for sex! Cowboy aligned his meat thermometer with the man's soft entrance. He reached one hand up to stroke Lumberjack's beard gently.

"Are you ready for this?" Cowboy questioned.

"Always have been" replied Lumberjack, whose dark eyes were glazed with lust and hunger as he stared at the man above him's hard abs.

Cowboy entered him. The feeling was unparalleled. He was no stranger to sex, but this... this was of a whole new variety. Never before had a man been so eager to be taken by him, and never had one been so responsive. Lumberjack seemed to squirm a little more with every proceeding inch of his hard semen tube he pushed inside. He was ready to lose his juices the moment he was fully sheathed in the smaller wood-cutter, but he knew he must please Lumberjack as much as he was pleasing him.

"Unhhhhhhhhkgggg," groaned Lumberjack, "I need... more." It felt like all of his nerves were connected to his sensitive entrance and they were all screaming in delight as he was filled and emptied, filled and emptied, filled and emptied...

Cowboy obliged to his new mate's request. He pounded his hips into the man as hard as he could, making a strange and somewhat repulsive sound as their sweaty, stinking skin made contact again and again.

"Is this pony express going fast enough for you? It's pumping as hard as it can to bring you your delivery, you dirty little tree man."

"Ahh! Yes! Keep pushing harder, no matter the weather!"

Cowboy felt relief in his scrotum as he thrusted vigorously, letting air sooth the heat in them as it was quickly replaced with lust ready to be released.

"I can't wait any longer... I have a delivery for you too!"

"Lumberj...ack! Your delivery from my dong is coming!" Cowboy mumbled into the man's ear as his back curved with the intensity of his final thrust. Every muscle inside his body tensed as he quickly pulled out. They each spilled their respective yoghurt of life onto Lumberjack's stomach, muscles filled with fireworks, jerking in every direction like bugs probably feel when they die.

Cowboy collapsed onto the bed next to his exhausted conquest, who was also panting like he was about to die. They lay like that together for however long it took them to calm down from the super hot sex they had just had.

Lumberjack snuggled into Cowboy's large arms. "I have a question to hit ya with, hot sex man."

"Well'n just hit me with it."

"You ride a horse, right? Why do you want to be called 'Cowboy' and not 'Horseboy'?"

Cowboy's handsome face didn't look like it had been hit with a question. It looked like someone had hit it with a mixture of Disgust and Sympathy in the form of one of those inedible hard bricks of fruitcake. He jumped to his feet, ran to his horse, and disappeared into the woods.

Lumberjack thought for a moment, then hastily put on his discarded clothes and ran after him.


End file.
